When Disabled People Hold Each Other Back, We All Suffer

Let’s be real. There’s an uncomfortable truth in the disabled community that no one likes to talk about: some disabled people vote against their own best interests. They block policies that would help them. They resent others for getting opportunities they never had. And instead of fighting the system that keeps them down, they turn their frustration on each other.

Why? Because if they struggled, then everyone else should too. If they’ve been denied autonomy, resources, or rights, they’d rather make sure no one else gets them either—because accepting change would mean admitting that their suffering wasn’t necessary.

Real Examples of the Problem

Take Sharon, for example. She grew up in a conservative household in a state where abortion is practically illegal. Because of her disability, she has never had full control over her own medical decisions. Insurance companies dictate what treatments she can have. Government policies decide whether she gets the personal care she needs. Even her own body isn’t fully her own. So when it comes to reproductive rights, she’s anti-choice—not because she deeply believes in it, but because she doesn’t want anyone else to have the freedom she never had.

Then there’s Jason, who has spent years trying to get a job, only to be shut out at every turn. Employers see his wheelchair before his qualifications. He’s watched non-disabled people get hired on the spot while he gets excuses and fake smiles. Over time, his frustration turned into bitterness. Now, when he sees another disabled person land a good job, he doesn’t celebrate. He scoffs. “Must be nice to get special treatment,” he mutters. He doesn’t believe in hiring incentives for disabled workers because, in his mind, if he couldn’t get the job, no one should get a leg up.

And then there’s Reyna. Her family struggled financially but refused to accept disability benefits out of pride. Now, she looks down on anyone who does. She rants about “handouts” and insists that if her family could do without, then others should just “suck it up.” It’s not that the programs weren’t available—they just didn’t take them. And now she resents those who do.

These people don’t see that their real enemy isn’t other disabled people getting opportunities. It’s the system that forced them into hardship in the first place.

Why Disabled People Vote Against Their Own Interests

It’s easy to point at Sharon, Jason, and Reyna and see the problem. But the bigger question is: why do so many physically disabled people hold these beliefs in the first place? Why do some of them actively work against policies that would make their lives better?

Here’s why:

• Internalized Ableism – When you grow up in a society that devalues disabled people, you start to believe it yourself. You’re taught that needing help is weakness, that accommodations are “special treatment,” and that success should come from personal struggle, not collective progress. Instead of questioning an ableist system, some disabled people adopt those values as their own.
• Scarcity Mindset – Many disabled people have been conditioned to think there aren’t enough resources to go around. When you fight for the bare minimum your entire life, you start to believe that helping someone else means taking away from yourself. This leads to resentment instead of solidarity.
• Political Manipulation – Conservatives have spent decades convincing disabled people that government assistance makes them “dependent” while doing nothing to actually create financial independence. They push the false idea that disability benefits are a trap while simultaneously making it nearly impossible for disabled people to escape poverty.
• Desperation for Acceptance – Some disabled people buy into bootstraps rhetoric because they think it will earn them respect from the non-disabled world. They reject the idea of accommodations or social safety nets because they want to prove they can “make it on their own”—even if that means tearing down others in the process.
• Fear of Change – Admitting that things can be better means admitting that past suffering was unnecessary. Some disabled people cling to the status quo because facing that reality is too painful.

This is how the cycle of denial works. Instead of demanding better, disabled people end up gatekeeping resources, blocking progress, and tearing each other down—all while the system that put them in this position remains untouched.

The “If I Can’t Have It, No One Should” Mentality Is a Trap

This kind of thinking isn’t just toxic—it’s self-sabotage. When we oppose policies that would help others just because they weren’t there for us, we ensure that the cycle of exclusion continues.

Think about it:

• If you were denied medical autonomy, why wouldn’t you fight to make sure future generations don’t suffer the same?
• If you were shut out of jobs, why wouldn’t you want laws that prevent that from happening to someone else?
• If your family struggled without assistance, why wouldn’t you want those who come after you to have more options?

Instead, many disabled people let their own pain dictate their politics. They become so fixated on their personal struggles that they don’t see the bigger picture: when we fight each other, we let the real oppressors off the hook.

The System Wants Us to Fight Each Other

The government and corporations benefit when marginalized groups tear each other down. They want disabled people to resent each other instead of demanding better. Every time a disabled person votes for a candidate who guts disability programs, every time they mock someone for getting help, every time they reject policies that would improve lives out of spite—they are doing the work of ableist policymakers for them.

This isn’t an accident. It’s a strategy. And too many disabled people are falling for it.

The Real Way Forward

The solution isn’t to keep fighting each other. It’s to break the cycle.

Imagine if Sharon fought for medical autonomy instead of resenting others’ choices. What if Jason mentored disabled job seekers instead of tearing them down? What if Reyna recognized that government programs exist to level the playing field, not as a source of shame?

What if we, as a community, stopped fighting each other and started fighting for something better?

The next time you hear someone say, “I didn’t get that help, so why should they?”—flip the script. Ask, “Wouldn’t it have been better if you had?” Instead of getting stuck in resentment, let’s start demanding real change.

But let’s not ignore reality either. Not everyone who claims to need help actually does. That’s where common sense has to come in. We need to make sure that the right support is available for those who truly need it—without letting bad actors exploit the system. It’s not about being gatekeepers. It’s about balance. It’s about making sure the fight for accessibility and autonomy doesn’t get watered down by those who just want an easy ride.

Because here’s the truth: If we stand together, we are stronger. If we tear each other down, we stay stuck. If we resent those who get opportunities, we’ll never create more opportunities for ourselves.

And if you vote against your own interests because you don’t want others to have what you never did, then congratulations—you’ve become your own oppressor. And the people in power are laughing, because you’re doing their work for them.

It’s time to break the cycle.

What do you think? Do you know people like that? How have you handled the situation?

Editor’s Note:

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