When I was a little girl, I had three dreams. The first one was to be a teacher. The second one was to get married and the third most important one in my mind was to have a child.
Now, that I’m an unmarried writer, I realize that life doesn’t always work out as planned and that, some dreams, though they may eventually come true, don’t happen the way one expects it.
I’ve thought about adoption as a single parent. However, I am not able to afford the adoption costs.
Nor, would I be able to take care of a child on my own. I would require help 24 hours a day.
Don’t get me wrong, I would never begrudge a disabled parent who wanted to be a parent and had to have that type of assistance to make it happen.
However, I know that I wouldn’t want to be the kind of mother, who couldn’t change a diaper, feed, bathe or dress a child without tons of help from others.
I’d want to be totally hands on. It wouldn’t be fair to have a child that I couldn’t take care of.
Besides I have to have others take care of my personal care needs. Please keep in mind that this is only my opinion and one perspective, but I couldn’t watch my child as people have to help me to the toilet.
It’s not a fair life for a child not to have a mom that could take them to the park and push them on the swings, or style their hair in a French braid or pony tail because of my lack of motor skills that would prevent me from making their hair look even half-way presentable to the outside world.
I am not going to be a parent. After much careful consideration I have come to that sad but final conclusion. I think of myself as Childless Not by Choice (CNBC).
It’s a hard lifestyle to get used to; when it’s so different from the dream I had for myself.
However, the bright side of this is that I have two wonderful nephews to spoil when I get that motherly instinct. I’ve also volunteered and tried to be a mentor for some kids throughout my life.
I’ve had wonderful opportunities and met some amazing kids. I’m a lucky woman.
I’m in a state of grief, right now over my childless status. I know there will be a light at the end of the tunnel; I just have to be patient and wait for the light to shine to lead me toward the right direction.
What ever that may be? I guess I’ll just have to wait and see what life has in store for me…. I can hardly wait!
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