As a physically disabled woman, I’ve received my fair share of help and given plenty of it too. But over time, I’ve learned a hard truth: helping someone doesn’t always mean saving them. And sometimes, saving someone over and over again can actually hold them back.
I say that not with judgment, but from lived experience.
When I couldn’t get hired as a teacher, Mr. Friedman gave me an opportunity. He didn’t coddle me. He didn’t hand me anything. He opened a door, and I rolled through it. Later, when no one would hire me on a permanent basis, Mr. Clarence Jones offered me a position. That offer gave me the chance to grow financially, professionally, and personally. And guess what? I took it.
When I was offered a paid gig evaluating paratransit drivers as a secret rider, I didn’t sit around debating if it was beneath me or if I felt ready. I said yes. Every time someone gave me an opening, I strolled into it. Not because everything was perfect, but because my desire to level up was greater than my desire to wallow in self-pity.
Not everyone chooses to do that.
The Whiner Who Wanted to Be Saved: A Lesson in How to Help Without Enabling
About ten years ago, I had a friend who complained constantly about her financial struggles. At first, I empathized. We’ve all been there. But as time passed, I realized something: she had zero intention of changing her situation. She wasn’t working. She didn’t want to try anything anyone suggested. And worst of all, she had convinced herself that everyone else was to blame for where she was in life.
It was a full-on victim mentality, and it drained the energy of anyone around her.
Somehow, it was always someone else’s fault. The system. The family. The ex. The economy. The weather. But never her. Never her choices. Never her lack of follow-through.
Eventually, she went to live with relatives. I don’t know what happened to her after that. Not because I stopped caring, but because I had to start protecting my peace. I couldn’t help someone who refused to help herself.
Patterns and Boundaries: Knowing How to Help Without Enabling Repeated Crises
There was another friend in our circle. We all helped her when she hit a major financial crisis. We were genuinely happy to do it. She got out of the hole for a moment. But not long after, she had another emergency. Different people stepped in to help again. A few months later, another crisis.
It wasn’t about bad luck anymore. It was about a pattern. One that was starting to feel too familiar.
This time, people paused. We were emotionally tapped out. I remember thinking, maybe she’s hoping I’ll be the next one to jump in. But I couldn’t. I didn’t have the resources. Still, I introduced her to someone offering freelance work. No response. Another friend referred her to a virtual assistant gig. Nothing. No explanation. No effort. Just silence.
And silently, without any dramatic group decision, we all knew. The help had to stop. Because if someone’s not willing to move forward, even an inch, how can we carry them?
What If You Thought They Were Disabled? Rethinking Stereotypes About Who Waits for Help
If you’ve been reading this and assumed I was talking about disabled people, let me stop you right there.
They weren’t.
That friend who whined for years without ever working? Not physically disabled.
The person who had crisis after crisis and rejected job leads? Also not disabled.
Surprised? Good. That moment you just had? Sit with it.
Because there’s a stigma out there that disabled people are always waiting for a handout. That we don’t want to work. That we expect the world to accommodate us while we do nothing. And that stigma is so deep, some of you may have automatically assigned a disability to the people in my story.
But the truth is, playing the victim isn’t a disability issue. It’s a human one.
Some people cling to excuses instead of effort, blame instead of breakthrough. And that mindset exists across all walks of life, regardless of ability, education, or background. Victimhood is a mindset, not a diagnosis.
Helping with Purpose: How to Help Without Enabling in Real Life
We need to talk about this more, both within our community and outside of it. Because not every disabled person wants pity. Not every disabled person wants a free pass. And not every friend in need is doing everything they can.
I’ll always believe in helping. But now, I help differently. I help those who help themselves. Not because I’m cold, but because I believe in people more than they might believe in themselves. And sometimes, stepping back is the kindest thing you can do.
It’s not about who is disabled or not. It’s about who is willing.
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