Loving Life, But Not My Circumstances

In Columns, My Piece of the Sky by Lazaro GutierrezLeave a Comment

I never imagined that a single moment could redefine my life forever. At just 18, a gunshot during a carjacking left me paralyzed, altering the trajectory of my future in ways I couldn’t begin to comprehend. It was as if someone had drawn a stark line, separating the life I once knew from an uncertain and daunting new path. Everything familiar—my dreams, independence, and sense of self—was gone. My life felt stolen, leaving me trapped in an existence I didn’t recognize or want.

Days blurred into nights, void of purpose or hope. Yet now, 35 years later, I can look back on a life filled with blessings, love, and triumphs. Against all odds, I’ve found extraordinary moments of joy. Still, even amidst this beauty, I wrestle with a deep conflict: loving life while struggling to accept the circumstances in which I live it.

Cuban woman and Cuban man. Lazaro and his wife, Lisette.

Rebuilding from the Ashes

The early years were defined by anger, fear, and hopelessness. I spent countless days questioning my purpose, asking, “Why me?” It took time, patience, and many internal battles to move beyond frustration.

Getting my GED was my first step toward reclaiming control after years of feeling lost. When I received my first power wheelchair through government assistance, it felt like a lifeline. That chair wasn’t just about mobility—it was a tangible symbol of freedom, opening doors to rediscover my independence and imagine new possibilities for my life. Slowly, I began to embrace life again—not as the person I once was, but as someone capable of thriving with a disability. Over time, I learned to appreciate and love this new version of myself.


Finding Love and Family

About a decade into this journey, love found me. I met an amazing woman with two young daughters, and with our marriage, I became both a husband and a father figure overnight. The challenges were real, but so were the rewards. Together, we built a life filled with love, laughter, and memories I’ll cherish forever.

Now, 24 years later, our marriage has weathered incredible highs and crushing lows. We’ve celebrated financial stability and good health but also endured moments of financial strain and debilitating health issues. These experiences have shaped us, teaching us resilience and the power of partnership.


Grappling with Contradictions

As the years pass, maintaining a positive mindset has become harder. In recent years, I’ve turned to online communities, connecting with others living with disabilities worldwide. Their stories often leave me in awe—and deeply humbled.

Many lack basic necessities: accessible homes, adaptive equipment, financial stability, or even human connection. Some spend most of their days confined indoors, a reality I can hardly imagine. Their resilience overwhelms me, reminding me of all I have and how much I’ve overcome.

Reflecting on their struggles has made me realize how fortunate I am. While many face insurmountable barriers, I have the tools and support to live on my terms. I have an accessible home, a van, adaptive technology, supportive family and friends, and the freedom to live as I choose. These are gifts many can only dream of.

Yet, there are still days when I feel trapped by my circumstances. It’s a conflict I struggle to reconcile: loving life but not the challenging conditions in which I’m living it. When these feelings arise, guilt often follows. How can I feel this way when I have so much?

This question has haunted me for years: How can I love life so deeply and yet wish my reality were different? I think of those who face far greater challenges and wonder how they cope during their darkest moments. Over time, I’ve realized that this feeling is complicated—and universal among those of us living with disabilities. No matter how much or how little we have, there will be times when we reflect on our lives and think: I love life, but not under these circumstances.


A Call to Reflect and Connect

Have you ever felt this way? Have you experienced moments where you love life but wish it were different? Let’s talk about it. Sharing our stories reminds us we’re not alone.

Living with a disability is a journey of contradictions—joy and sorrow, triumph and frustration, gratitude and longing. Yet, through it all, I’ve come to believe that life, in all its imperfection, is still worth living.

What keeps me going is knowing that these feelings are part of the human experience. It’s okay to feel conflicted, as long as we remind ourselves—and each other—of the strength we’ve built and the beauty that still surrounds us. By sharing our stories, we create a world where none of us have to navigate these challenges alone.

Life is never easy, but it is always worth embracing, even amidst the most challenging circumstances. Share your story with me. Leave a comment.

Bio:

Lazaro Gutierrez lives in Cape Coral with his wife. You can find him at his Facebook account. Click here.

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En español

Encontrando el amor y la familia

Unos diez años después de este viaje, el amor me encontró. Conocí a una mujer increíble con dos hijas pequeñas, y al casarnos, me convertí en esposo y figura paterna de la noche a la mañana. Los desafíos eran reales, pero también lo eran las recompensas. Juntos construimos una vida llena de amor, risas y recuerdos que atesoraré siempre.

Hoy, 24 años después, nuestro matrimonio ha resistido increíbles altibajos. Hemos celebrado estabilidad financiera y buena salud, pero también hemos enfrentado momentos de crisis económica y problemas de salud debilitantes. Estas experiencias nos han moldeado, enseñándonos la resiliencia y el poder de la unión.


Lidiando con contradicciones

A medida que pasan los años, mantener una mentalidad positiva se ha vuelto más difícil. En los últimos tiempos, he recurrido a comunidades en línea, conectándome con personas que viven con discapacidades en todo el mundo. Sus historias a menudo me dejan asombrado y profundamente conmovido.

Muchas personas carecen de lo más básico: viviendas accesibles, equipos adaptativos, estabilidad financiera o incluso conexión humana. Algunas pasan la mayor parte de sus días confinadas en sus hogares, una realidad que apenas puedo imaginar. Su resiliencia me abruma, recordándome todo lo que tengo y cuánto he superado.

Reflexionar sobre sus luchas me ha hecho darme cuenta de lo afortunado que soy. Mientras muchos enfrentan barreras insuperables, yo tengo las herramientas y el apoyo para vivir según mis propios términos. Tengo un hogar accesible, una camioneta, tecnología adaptativa, una familia y amigos que me apoyan, y la libertad de vivir como elijo. Estos son regalos con los que muchos solo pueden soñar.

Sin embargo, hay días en los que me siento atrapado por mis circunstancias. Es un conflicto con el que lucho: amar la vida, pero no las condiciones desafiantes en las que la vivo. Cuando surgen estos sentimientos, a menudo los acompaña la culpa. ¿Cómo puedo sentirme así cuando tengo tanto?

Esta pregunta me ha perseguido durante años: ¿Cómo puedo amar la vida tan profundamente y aun así desear que mi realidad sea diferente? Pienso en aquellos que enfrentan desafíos mucho mayores y me pregunto cómo afrontan sus momentos más oscuros. Con el tiempo, he comprendido que este sentimiento es complicado, pero universal entre quienes vivimos con discapacidades. No importa cuánto o qué tan poco tengamos, habrá momentos en los que reflexionemos sobre nuestras vidas y pensemos: Amo la vida, pero no bajo estas circunstancias.


Una invitación a reflexionar y conectar

¿Alguna vez te has sentido así? ¿Has experimentado momentos en los que amas la vida pero deseas que fuera diferente? Hablemos de ello. Compartir nuestras historias nos recuerda que no estamos solos.

Vivir con una discapacidad es un viaje de contradicciones: alegría y tristeza, triunfo y frustración, gratitud y anhelo. Sin embargo, a través de todo, he llegado a creer que la vida, con todas sus imperfecciones, sigue valiendo la pena.

Lo que me impulsa a seguir es saber que estos sentimientos son parte de la experiencia humana. Está bien sentirse en conflicto, siempre y cuando nos recordemos—y recordemos a los demás—la fortaleza que hemos construido y la belleza que todavía nos rodea. Al compartir nuestras historias, creamos un mundo donde ninguno de nosotros tiene que enfrentar estos desafíos en soledad.

La vida nunca es fácil, pero siempre vale la pena abrazarla, incluso en las circunstancias más desafiantes.

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